Susan,

Tonight at the hospital felt like I was hiding in your office, as several children did over the years when they needed a break from schooling and wanted an education.

Just like your office, people would drift in and out and they were always good to be with because they came seeking what the rest of us came for – our Susan fix – a periodic injection that reminded us of who we are…..well the best parts of us anyway.

Faitha Louise, as a four-year-old, I remember the best…. starting when you asked her to read me the book when she didn’t have the book with her – you had listened to her so many times you knew she could tell the story of the Very Hungry Caterpillar word for word……endlessly… as a four year old.  She went on to continue to love learning and to annoy teachers, and get sent to your office when the teacher couldn’t stand it anymore.

That is what you do isn’t it – see and respond to the best in us, so we see it more clearly and live up to it more often.

It feels like meeting an old friend, our better selves, when you work your magic and help us to see and be that better person, and that has come to be one of your highest callings – modeling high quality relationships by bringing out the best in people.

Tirelessly listening – listening to kids read, especially celebrating when they were reading what they wrote themselves, urging them on to find their OWN voice, urging US on to find and use our own better voice, by listening and responding to that better person in each of us.

And caring…….all of it held together by the fact that you cared so much.

You were your best as you cared and urged us to find our better selves, and we love you for it.

So writing to you seems just right, in this composition COW book because that is what you taught us – to write in cow books and so find our own voice.  And you would always listen to what we wrote – leaning in, focused…….making it and us important.

Now, I am with my grandchildren in New Hampshire, the next day, with Krista’s call, I know my letter will not get to you, at home, with comforting Hospice Care, as I knew would follow……..I was so wrong. 

And, you were so right, when you said your ‘goodbye in this life’ to me at the hospital, and shocked me into my fumbling ‘goodbye for now’ denial.

Now …….. you already know what is in my letter, and in my heart.

Now you are still listening, as always, but in a different way.

Two truths - Ivory Soap floats…….Susan Hanson Listens……….

That came to me while researching for a Bernstein Unit recently, and came upon a Leonard Bernstein gem –

Sonnett:  On acquiring Knowledge  - Leonard Bernstein 1938

I still remember, in the beginning, thinking

That Ivory Soap contained something to keep it from sinking.

But now that I am grown I have learned – although never by rote –

That its being lighter than water’s what keeps it afloat.

Learning is hare versus hounds, and teaching is worse.

One can be clear but lengthy, murkey but terse.

People communicate broadly, mumble and group.

Exception: in ART.  But art will not analyze soap.    

Learning is probably one’s most private affair,

More intimate far than a bath, or saving one’s hair.

For example, I once knew some physics, through ardent endeavor;

But I know what I know about Ivory Soap forever.

Another example: with all the research in cancer

No one has yet come up with a suitable answer. 

Quite a Sonnett……written by Leonard Bernstein in 1938                              

The Bernstein Center owes you a ton, and I guess you and I owe it a lot for the opportunity to follow our dreams about kids and learning….reading, writing and finding voice.

You are the ultimate Bernstein learner, finding real joy in the learning. So, for me, the star student became the star teacher became my best friend.  Interestingly by helping me find MY voice I came to be a better listener, like you, and am more able to help others to find their voices.

So,  to learn that you won’t be reading this letter changes things.  You aren’t struggling anymore with the pain or the indignities that you hid from us.  I wanted more time but I bet you wanted to be done with it all.

Except I remember two big moments – one on a plane, where we spent so much time and one at our favorite coffee shop/planning place.  On the plane you said you were fighting the cancer so hard because you had so much more to do for so many kids, but in the coffee shop, more recently you said you had become a really good actress – that in fact it hurt a lot, too much, too often.

The actress part I fell for, and just knew we had lots of time and lots of kids and teachers yet to go.  But it was not true.  Now you don’t need to act well, and you only need to walk with us all as we get after those kids and teachers.

That thought drives me back into The Journey of Sir Douglas Fir and so many appropriate parts of that book - reminders of times with the three of us – You , Ms McBeautiful, and me – joined at the Dream and enjoying the book when it says that you know you are best friends when you share your dreams – share when you tell each other,  and especially share when it is the same dream.

Douglas, the tree, faces big changes after he falls in the forest, Earl Squirrel  faces big changes when he goes off to kindergarten.  And Douglas says:

Once we reveal the secrets within,

We won’t walk alone, won’t be scared to begin.

And being apart is not as hard as it seems,

When we’re joined at the dreams.

Are you hearing my prayer?

I cant’ see you.

Can you see me here

From where you are?

Close to me,

You’ll always be

One who cares.

And being apart is not as hard as it seems,

When we are joined at the dreams.

I will be right by your side…

Our Hannah, the same age as Faitha was at the beginning, stayed overnight with Jane and me last night.  I was thinking about you as we exercised the grandparents prerogative – to break rules – so we stayed up READING  ALL NIGHT – well we made it to 10 o’clock – reading about butterflies – she told me the cycle several times – and we read and listened to The Journey of Sir Douglas Fir.

Hannah finding herself…. me,  losing my self….. in memories of countless children writing and reading to a smiling beautiful teacher they loved…….Just like me………